four years.

Four years ago, seems like only yesterday.

Four years ago, I said good-bye to my mother, over the phone before she passed away.

Four years ago, I had wished she didn't have the Do Not Resuscitate order in her will.

Four years ago, I felt selfish, then I felt ashamed.

Four years ago, I realized not being resuscitated was her wish, and her hope.

Four years ago, I realized peace was better than prolonging her condition.

Four years ago, I cried.

Four years ago, I realized I wasn't the 19 year old she left behind in search of love and happiness. But instead the 32 year old woman who was old enough to stand on her own two feet and let go of pointless disappointment.

Four years ago, I realize all the petty things I thought were SO important were nothing compared to her life, and her love.

Four years ago, I forgave her, for all the horribly stupid things I was holding in anger about.

Four years ago, I hoped she forgave me too.

Four years ago, she left me forever.

For years ago, I wrote this blog on myspace for my mother... and today on the anniversary of her passing, I wanted to share it. For posterity. For myself. For my memories.

***

April 3, 2008

I said good-bye to my mother today. I told her I loved her for the last time. I hate that it was over the phone - I hate that I’ve been so far away, for all these years. I try not to dwell on regrets they will only drive me mad, but I have to beat myself up just a little bit. All the years of resentment have now disappeared, all the years of anger, vanished into thin air... all that is left is a sense of helplessness. Why my mother, why now? Why ever? I know that death is a part of life, but this isn’t a part I was ready to play.

My mother was always my best friend. Somewhere between the divorce and separation, the friendship never died, it just changed. I wish I could rewind time, but I can’t. I know she knew that I loved her, I just wish she realized how much. I will always think of her as my role model. I’m going to be so lost without her.

I take comfort in knowing I spent time with her last week, quality time. I take comfort in knowing she’s at peace, no longer in pain, and no longer having to fight because she thinks that’s what we all would want. I find comfort that she will find comfort in her family’s arms when she arrives. I find comfort in knowing she won’t be alone anymore. I know that our family... our friends and most importantly people she never met in person (my best friend's father, my dear friend Malcolm and countless other friends and people I’ve known can come up to her and say... You don’t know me... but I know your daughter, and she always told me wonderful things about you... I’m here). I wish I could be the one to be there with her when she passed - I’ll live with this forever that I wasn’t... but I don’t know if I could have handled that... but again I’ll kick myself for it. There’s no way I could have known, but still.... I will live with it.

I told my mom everything I never got to say today... I told her all my feelings and that I hoped she could understand. 

It’s storming outside, in my mind it helps me to smile, knowing it’s my mother... up there... raising hell.

Thank you everyone for all your kind thoughts, words, prayers and support. Without you... I’d be lost!