March 02, 2010

courtesy flush.

via google • Toilet Sign from Japan
We need these here too, apparently. Fishing for poo is a no-no.
P.S. I'd pay to see the last one attempted by someone.

I can't for the life of me figure out people sometimes. My first beef with going #2 outside of the home is that people can smell it. I don't want people knowing what my dook smells like. More embarrassing than that to me is that people KNOW I'm the one making that smell, when I'm making it. The past few jobs I've had, there is only one women's bathroom in the whole building, and it's been a single. That being said, every woman in the office uses that bathroom. My previous job was especially difficult because the bathrooms were located right next to the reception desk and there wasn't an exhaust fan in this bathroom. Needless to say I never pooped at work. Thankfully my apartment building was located right behind my office, I usually walked home for lunch, dropped some kids off at the pool and then ate my lunch (after washing my hands of course) and returned to the office. My body has become very good at knowing when and where it can go. That's not saying I haven't had to do my share of #2's away from home. It happens from time to time - and that's where my beef comes in.

If you're going to poo at the office I think there are a few guidelines to live by so as to not make your co-workers uncomfortable, or sick. Number 1: Always use the exhaust fan if available. This morning I had to walk into the women's bathroom to pee and it stunk, I mean dead animal stunk, the fan wasn't on and there was no can of spray present. The fan should have stayed on to suck out that funk because I am not felling 100% today and even if you only let a little air slide out whilst peeing, that mess still stinks and you should have turned the fan on! *stank eye to receptionist, I know she did it*. This leads me to my second guideline, this is for the employers. Please be sure all bathrooms in the office are equipped with poop spray. The last job I had in Maryland was known for SAM'S CLUB SIZED POO SPRAY BOTTLES. I loved this. Needless to say the women's bathroom was right next to a set of printing presses - which sucked. Thankfully the presses run most of the day and they are very loud, if you needed to go #2, or had to fart no one would hear you, however, they would smell it. They would also smell the poo spray. I got teased for this a few times... "You poop?" E would ask me as I exited the bathroom, and walked past his press. I was busted and admitted to him yes, yes I did. He would then thank me for spraying. Eventually the poop spray was labeled "Kelly's Poop Spray" with a sharpie marker - I was embarrassed at first and then figured, screw it, everybody poops but at least I follow guidelines. Exhaust fan on, spray has been sprayed, and exhaust fan is LEFT on for good measure. This also came in handy in my early 20's when hangovers and getting sick happened more than once or twice. Then E would ask me... "You poop?"... I'd reply... "No."... he'd look at my sickly state... smirk and say.. "You puke?"... I'd nod and he'd give me a quick hug and laugh. I enjoyed working with E, we are about the same age and he always made me laugh, even when I wanted to blow chunks. That being said there are a few other guidelines that I think are only common courtesy...

Extra Credit: If you poo, and it doesn't go all the way down... please wait to let the toilet stop running and then re-flush. Better yet courtesy flush half way through your epic poo to ensure you get it all down and don't clog the damn thing!  Unless it's really epic then be sure to take a picture of it with your cell phone and send it to a friend that will be impressed. M threatens to do this to me a lot... I really hope he never does, that's too far for love. There's nothing that freaks me out and grosses me out more than seeing doo doo flakes in the bathroom at work - what's even more disturbing is finding them in public bathrooms. Swirls are hard to deal with - no one wants to put their hand in a toilet to clean them up, and I'd never want someone to, but for God's sake just try to flush one more time, sometimes the water flow is enough to make a fresh bowl.  Bottom line - "I like a fresh bowl and remnants upset me."


John "The Biscuit" Cage • Ally McBeal via google

GOLDEN STAR: Lastly - if you sprinkle when you tinkle - please be neat and wipe the seat. How long have you heard this? I'd have to say ALL. MY. LIFE! And don't ever believe for a minute that if it's yellow you can let it mellow - that's bullshiz and absolutely gross. It doesn't conserve water it just makes me want to vomit and waste more water flushing before said punkfest and then again after!

For now that's all I can think of - lets just say I'm tired of smelling other people's shizz here at work. It's been a long time since I've had a public like restroom to use in the office completely with 2 or more stalls. The last time I did, it was when I worked in a mental health office - and it was the worst bathroom ever. There was always at least one stall covered in poo from someone that swore they were DiVinci (it was a public restroom that all patients and staff used). Thing is the patients had a reason to behave this way - everyday people without poo etiquette don't.

So there is my rant of the day about poo monsters and their lack of giving a shizz about the others that have to go after them.

GUIDELINE RECAP:
  1. Always use the exhaust fan if available.
  2. Keep said fan going if you poo and there is no spray - keep it going for good measure regardless if you want bonus points.
  3. If you drop a load - for the love of GOD spray!
  4. Double tap the flusher if your brown monster doesn't go down the first time.
  5. Repeat #4 until all fudge babies and possible swirls are gone
  6. Be neat and wipe the seat - I still don't get how WOMEN can splatter piss everywhere. I've seen it one too many times on my trek from Alabama to Maryland *gives Tennessee restrooms the stank eye*
  7. WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE LEAVING - I don't care if you aren't on staff at this Wendy's DO IT!
  8. Smile and know you've made me, K proud.
Join me next time when I bitch about people NOT putting toilet paper back on the holder when they've used it all. (And that I will look past the fact that it's usually replaced UNDER instead of OVER). And then witness my 2nd guideline to that rule when you haven't replaced the missing T.P. and then also haven't restocked the supply in the bathroom so I'm left there sitting and wishing I had checked all this before releasing the water from my bladder. 

Thank you for listening to my public poo service message.

P.S. Don't you hate the way coffee makes your pee smell - I do. Happy Tuesday Everyone! Please consider this my way of doing my own Tickled Tuesday.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I have to note this because I have a feeling M might read this. I try my best to enforce my poop-iquette at all times but I will be the first to admit at home sometimes I forget to be patient enough to double flush. Seriously, the DVR only stays on pause for so long and I often fear M will change the channel or take over the TV with the Xbox. Our toilet at home takes forever and I always mean to go back and double check, but sometimes get side tracked by something shiny or Kardashian like on TV. To which I will always hear M say from the bathroom "EEEWWW You left doo doo flakes in the bowl!" - my face turns red and then I will yell "Like you've never done that - remember to spray when you're done." and he'll say.. 'I'm only going to pee" and then I'll usually say something like "Spray anyway, you're a boy and even your pee smells funny." (the last isn't usually a response but I will have to use that to my advantage next time, even thought it won't be new because he'll have read this). That being said - I will always 2nd flush in public if needed, no matter how slow the toilet is. Thank you all for your support of me painting the town un-brown one bowl at a time.
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47 comments:

Jessica said...

OMG I've been laughing since I saw the picture of the Japanese toilet sign!! I'm with you 100% on these guidelines! thanks for posting this today - I needed a good giggle!!!

xoxo

Allyson said...

Oh KELLY...that was snort-worthy from start to finish. It could be...*gasp* ONE of my favorite posts from you thus far. I'm so impressed at the number of synonyms you know for poo. Which just goes to show, I seriously need to brush up. Taking the browns to the Super Bowl? Totally got that. Swirlies?? I had never even thought about it. And you get my eternal love and devotion for having a Poo Spray with your name on it, literally, and not having a girly meltdown moment about it. Way to take it like a man..and crap it back out like a man, apparently. By the way, y'all are some GI-challenged people this week. Between you and Sara (withOUT an H) and somebody else...you've got the poo going ON. I really wish (just this one time) I was back working in an office so I can commiserate. The closest I can get is to say that my husband puts the lids down when he flushes to minimize backspray but never checks to make sure everything went. So, then there's floaties of our love greeting me the next time I squat. But I married him AND his poo so whatev. That was AWESOME.

hotpants™ said...

This post is hysterical. I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud. The last thing I need is one of my coworkers asking me what's so funny. "Well, let me tell you. IT'S A POOP BLOG POST!"

amy said...

Ha ha. This is great!!

Hilarious!

Cee said...

wise words, very wise words.

Sonja said...

HAHAHAHA you had me at the Japanese sign.

I can't believe you did a complete 12 step program post on this.

I think I love you even more now!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

*takes a bow* Thank you, thank you. Allyson - trust me. M is good about flushing everything... sometimes he forgets to spray. It usually only becomes an issue if I have to run in there after him - and I always yell on the way there 'DID YOU SPRAY?!?!' and he'll yell "NOOO!" and runs in to spray for me. LOL AHH poo - it brings the world together.

I think my inspiration was the final straw this morning, I have PMS, I don't feel well and the last thing I wanna do is smell someone's poot!

Did I mention I could go ON and ON about painting the town brown and what I call poo? Seriously M, myself and two of our guy friends got together recently to hang out for the first time, in a long time. We discussed poop for about an hour laughing before moving on to a new topic. I love talking about ass corn.

Leslie @ A Blonde Ambition said...

This is hysterical! I can't believe that is a real sign in Japan, but hey, nothing wrong with being upfront about proper bathroom usage! LOL

Kristen said...

Funny..but very valid points!

KingstonsQueen said...

Muwahahahah!! Hilarious! I'm terrified to drop a deuce at work. The character on American Pie nicknamed Shit Break? Totally me. Awesome post :)

Vic said...

You're hilarious! Love the post.

Shana said...

It never fails to amaze me how gross the women's room is. In my old office, someone actually wrote out rules and posted them on the mirrors because it was that nasty. C'mon people...double flush and save us all some nausea. Thank you for your public service announcement.

That one girl said...

Why does poop never stop being funny?

I've got to say, I used to be terrified to go poo outside of home until I had constipation for the first time while in NY and umm, well, I poo'd in the public toilet and it was a doozey! Also, for some reason I always clogged my hubbies toilet long before we were married. I think I take extra large poops or something but I ALWAYS clog the toilet. It was soooo embarrassing!

foxy said...

Thank you VERY MUCH for informing whatever part of the general public does not know this information! Sometimes I wonder how people can NOT know the simple rules you've outlined... but I agree, there are many that don't. Poop spray is a necessity. Or matches. And just like no child left behind, there should be a no floaters or swirls left behind. ICK.

Andi said...

lol, laughing my ass off the entire time! haha.
I never understand people! It also baffles me why there is constantly toilet bowls full of pee and tp in public restrooms. I use my foot to flush it down--yep. Works just fine! Why the hell couldn't they have FLUSHED THE DAMN TOILET themselves? I will never understand this. Not just poop etiquette. Pee etiquette too!! People are gross.

Jamie Pickle said...

Nicely put!! I couldn't agree with you more.

Rach said...

Be my friend FOREVER please! I'm with you on all of these rules (dare I say, *commandments*?) plus one more...

If you wouldn't do it in your own home, for the love of Lysol, DON'T DO IT HERE. That means no throwing your paper towels on the floor, no dripping water and soapsuds all over the GD counter, etc.

Also: J grew up the oldest of 3 boys (baby sister didn't come along till he was 18) so I am guaranteed at LEAST one poop conversation when all three of the brothers are together. I kind of dig how comfortable they are around me... even if it means hearing about epic poops.

Suburban Princess said...

OMG I was at a bbq a couple of years ago and a guy came out of the bathroom as I was going in...he didnt flush! He said the yellow/mellow thing....10 people stared at him while I exclaimed 'At your OWN house! Not someone else's!!!'

Gabby said...

A to the men! This should be posted in every bathroom everywhere! :)

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Good for you Suburban Princess!!!

Andi - I always use my foot as well! It doesn't always go so well after a few drinks. I stumble a bit in heels but for the most part I rarely TOUCH the toilet in public restrooms. I love the auto flush toilets but ONLY when they work - and only when they don't prematurely flush... on 2nd thought I don't like them at all. And they need to make that FORCE BUTTON bigger and more accessible to feet!

Hell to the yeah Rach we can be BFF's we can even be bathroom buddies! You know how we're supposed to travel in packs and all that to the potty!

Sophie said...

You read my mind!!

The other side of the coin is when you share a public restroom... it's one thing to smell the remnants of doing the dirty deed, but even worse when you can hear it actually happen in the stall next you. ;)

Meghan said...

So, I was totally thinking of the Biscuit as I was reading this post ("I like a fresh bowl") and THERE HE WAS. Made my day. And I couldn't agree more - I hate pooping in public, but when I do, I always follow the proper etiquette:)

Kiera said...

i must admit, im not crazy talking about poop and stuff. but that was good. i mean, you nailed that shit. (pun).

i cant go in public places, like literally cannot. ha. my freshman year at college dorming i was constipated for like 5 weeks. My roommate taught me about curtesy flushing right after you poop to eliminate thesmellthen carry on with business. but that added up to like 5 flushes each time.

I'm Jane said...

OK...I have the answer...

Somebody forwarded this link on to me (not sure if I should be concerned? alarmed? embarrassed?)... www.poofdrops.com.

Evidently, just a drop or two in the bowl wraps the kittens in the elegant scent of Japanese Mint.

Kelly - I think you need to take this for a test drive. :)

K said...

Who knew toilets needed instructions? I love that sign.

I hate using toilets that aren't my own for any serious business.

micah @ the yellow front door said...

That was awesome! Sadly, the bathroom at my office does not have a fan or poo spray :(

bananas. said...

these rules are great and i've been promoting them for years but it's hard to abide by some when the only bathroom in my office is a shared, multi-stall one with no fan or fancy sprays....

yea...shoot me now. i've had to stop mid-poop whenever i think i'm alone and someone walks in. sucks man.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

ok, we need this posting to go viral. I think we need to turn this into some sort of After School Special. Casted with like Kirk Cameron or something.

And how much are you willing to pay for that last image? I could use the cash.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I doubt we'd get Kirk on the pooper Monique but I'm liking the way you think! I bet we could get the cast of Jackass to do it on the cheap. Probably a case of Miller High Life and they'd be ready to rock!

I'm Jane - I'm totally looking that stuff up. But the question is this What does Japanese Mint smell like, just minty? And I'm not sure if I want my poo to smell minty.. it might make folks think I'm brushing my teeth in there... eep!

ZOMG Mayra - I hate those times. I've had to subject myself to that in public bathrooms before, it's the worst. What's worse than that is being in a public restroom to go #1 or #2 and there's NO AC!!! And it's hot as hell! NO ME GUSTA!

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

or how about asparagus smelling pee?

I watched all of Ally McBeal not too long ago and also really laughed about The Biscuits dismount. Stinker got me every time.

Candice said...

Luckily I don't have to worry about the courtesy flush since I don't shit and all. ;)

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Dez - Asparagus pee is the worst!!!

Candice - I had a feeling you didn't do that. ;)

Jessica said...

seems like the appropriate post to make this comment on.... let me know how to the black bean soup is!!!
Jess @ myquarterlifecrisis

sandandstarfish said...

Justo so you know... I'm printing this out and distributing it to everyone in my office. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I think I'll even leave a copy of it in the bathroom for those people who enjoy reading while pooing. ;) Maybe they'll get the point.

Jessica said...

totally forgot to tell you about this: if you're in a single stall or somewhere that doesn't have any poo spray and it's not a giant public restroom, run the hot water and as soon as it starts steaming, plug the sink. the steam will grab that stinky smell and help with the odor. I don't know where I read that but it really does work!

xoxo

Danielle and Clint said...

HAHAHA! This is great! It's amazing how some people forget their manners when it comes to the bathroom.

Shell said...

Oh Kell ! What a great post. Had me laughing out loud :)

pixelhazard said...

Lol, above my toilet, at man eye level there is a framed cartoon with the caption "boys pee on toilet seats" :) I love that little detail, thought you may appreciate it too

+ pixelhazard has moved to www.brightgreenlaces.com due to FTP blogger issues. Hope I'll still be seeing you there

Taylor Sterling said...

OMG I love that sign! Too funny!!

Jane said...

Seriously laughing out loud. Still laughing in fact. Yes, you are correct!

Hillary @ The Sweet Maple Life said...

Holy Crap that was hilarious!! At my office there are multiple stalls, and I always have to refrain from laughing loudly whenever I hear someone farting whilst on the toilet (I am so immature)!!

However as soon as I start hearing the plops, I am rushing to get outta there... I can't stand to hear other people poo...

Mi Vida Bonita said...

Ok that toilet sign is hysterical!

MODG said...

BIG NEWS FOR YOU
YOU ARE CONFESSION PRINCESS!!!

NYCGAL said...

Hysterical!! I won't go #2 at work. I may have to go, then hold it and become constipated. I would rather be constipated than take a poop in a public restroom.
Great blog! Made me laugh my arse off!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Amanda - you MADE MY DAY!!!! Thank you girl!

sanjeet said...

This is great!!
Work From Home

super-junk.com said...

You have probably seen this before, but your post made me immediately think of this:

How to Poop at Work

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