courtesy flush.

via google • Toilet Sign from Japan

We need these here too, apparently. Fishing for poo is a no-no.

P.S. I'd pay to see the last one attempted by someone.

I can't for the life of me figure out people sometimes. My first beef with going #2 outside of the home is that people can smell it. I don't want people knowing what my dook smells like. More embarrassing than that to me is that people KNOW I'm the one making that smell, when I'm making it. The past few jobs I've had, there is only one women's bathroom in the whole building, and it's been a single. That being said, every woman in the office uses that bathroom. My previous job was especially difficult because the bathrooms were located right next to the reception desk and there wasn't an exhaust fan in this bathroom. Needless to say I never pooped at work. Thankfully my apartment building was located right behind my office, I usually walked home for lunch, dropped some kids off at the pool and then ate my lunch (after washing my hands of course) and returned to the office. My body has become very good at knowing when and where it can go. That's not saying I haven't had to do my share of #2's away from home. It happens from time to time - and that's where my beef comes in.

If you're going to poo at the office I think there are a few guidelines to live by so as to not make your co-workers uncomfortable, or sick. Number 1: Always use the exhaust fan if available. This morning I had to walk into the women's bathroom to pee and it stunk, I mean dead animal stunk, the fan wasn't on and there was no can of spray present. The fan should have stayed on to suck out that funk because I am not felling 100% today and even if you only let a little air slide out whilst peeing, that mess still stinks and you should have turned the fan on! *stank eye to receptionist, I know she did it*. This leads me to my second guideline, this is for the employers. Please be sure all bathrooms in the office are equipped with poop spray. The last job I had in Maryland was known for SAM'S CLUB SIZED POO SPRAY BOTTLES. I loved this. Needless to say the women's bathroom was right next to a set of printing presses - which sucked. Thankfully the presses run most of the day and they are very loud, if you needed to go #2, or had to fart no one would hear you, however, they would smell it. They would also smell the poo spray. I got teased for this a few times... "You poop?" E would ask me as I exited the bathroom, and walked past his press. I was busted and admitted to him yes, yes I did. He would then thank me for spraying. Eventually the poop spray was labeled "Kelly's Poop Spray" with a sharpie marker - I was embarrassed at first and then figured, screw it, everybody poops but at least I follow guidelines. Exhaust fan on, spray has been sprayed, and exhaust fan is LEFT on for good measure. This also came in handy in my early 20's when hangovers and getting sick happened more than once or twice. Then E would ask me... "You poop?"... I'd reply... "No."... he'd look at my sickly state... smirk and say.. "You puke?"... I'd nod and he'd give me a quick hug and laugh. I enjoyed working with E, we are about the same age and he always made me laugh, even when I wanted to blow chunks. That being said there are a few other guidelines that I think are only common courtesy...

Extra Credit: If you poo, and it doesn't go all the way down... please wait to let the toilet stop running and then re-flush. Better yet courtesy flush half way through your epic poo to ensure you get it all down and don't clog the damn thing!  Unless it's really epic then be sure to take a picture of it with your cell phone and send it to a friend that will be impressed. M threatens to do this to me a lot... I really hope he never does, that's too far for love. There's nothing that freaks me out and grosses me out more than seeing doo doo flakes in the bathroom at work - what's even more disturbing is finding them in public bathrooms. Swirls are hard to deal with - no one wants to put their hand in a toilet to clean them up, and I'd never want someone to, but for God's sake just try to flush one more time, sometimes the water flow is enough to make a fresh bowl.  Bottom line - "I like a fresh bowl and remnants upset me."

John "The Biscuit" Cage • Ally McBeal via google

GOLDEN STAR: Lastly - if you sprinkle when you tinkle - please be neat and wipe the seat. How long have you heard this? I'd have to say ALL. MY. LIFE! And don't ever believe for a minute that if it's yellow you can let it mellow - that's bullshiz and absolutely gross. It doesn't conserve water it just makes me want to vomit and waste more water flushing before said punkfest and then again after!

For now that's all I can think of - lets just say I'm tired of smelling other people's shizz here at work. It's been a long time since I've had a public like restroom to use in the office completely with 2 or more stalls. The last time I did, it was when I worked in a mental health office - and it was the worst bathroom ever. There was always at least one stall covered in poo from someone that swore they were DiVinci (it was a public restroom that all patients and staff used). Thing is the patients had a reason to behave this way - everyday people without poo etiquette don't.

So there is my rant of the day about poo monsters and their lack of giving a shizz about the others that have to go after them.

GUIDELINE RECAP:

1. Always use the exhaust fan if available.
2. Keep said fan going if you poo and there is no spray - keep it going for good measure regardless if you want bonus points.
3. If you drop a load - for the love of GOD spray!
4. Double tap the flusher if your brown monster doesn't go down the first time.
5. Repeat #4 until all fudge babies and possible swirls are gone
6. Be neat and wipe the seat - I still don't get how WOMEN can splatter piss everywhere. I've seen it one too many times on my trek from Alabama to Maryland *gives Tennessee restrooms the stank eye*
7. WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE LEAVING - I don't care if you aren't on staff at this Wendy's DO IT!
8. Smile and know you've made me, K proud.

Join me next time when I bitch about people NOT putting toilet paper back on the holder when they've used it all. (And that I will look past the fact that it's usually replaced UNDER instead of OVER). And then witness my 2nd guideline to that rule when you haven't replaced the missing T.P. and then also haven't restocked the supply in the bathroom so I'm left there sitting and wishing I had checked all this before releasing the water from my bladder. 

Thank you for listening to my public poo service message.

P.S. Don't you hate the way coffee makes your pee smell - I do. Happy Tuesday Everyone! Please consider this my way of doing my own Tickled Tuesday.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I have to note this because I have a feeling M might read this. I try my best to enforce my poop-iquette at all times but I will be the first to admit at home sometimes I forget to be patient enough to double flush. Seriously, the DVR only stays on pause for so long and I often fear M will change the channel or take over the TV with the Xbox. Our toilet at home takes forever and I always mean to go back and double check, but sometimes get side tracked by something shiny or Kardashian like on TV. To which I will always hear M say from the bathroom "EEEWWW You left doo doo flakes in the bowl!" - my face turns red and then I will yell "Like you've never done that - remember to spray when you're done." and he'll say.. 'I'm only going to pee" and then I'll usually say something like "Spray anyway, you're a boy and even your pee smells funny." (the last isn't usually a response but I will have to use that to my advantage next time, even thought it won't be new because he'll have read this). That being said - I will always 2nd flush in public if needed, no matter how slow the toilet is. Thank you all for your support of me painting the town un-brown one bowl at a time.