April 04, 2011

yesterday.

Yesterday, April 3, 2011. Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of your passing. I didn't cry. I thought about it, but I didn't. I think your birthday this month always hits me much harder than the day of your passing. Instead of crying, I tried to fill my day with happy thoughts and busy projects to keep me going. I realize now that's how I've spent most of the past three years, keeping busy and trying not to think too hard about the pain. I know it isn't healthy and I know it probably isn't right. You always did say I was more like my father in that respect. In the end I want to remember the good times we had, not the pain or the bad times or even the moments when you were at your weakest. To me you've always been an incredibly strong woman and I want that vision fresh in my memory at the forefront. I miss you more than I can convey in words. We eat lunch together everyday, you and I, and Mike in the dining room. When I sit at the table I inherited from you I take time to glance up into the glass secretary cabinet where I keep all things fragile, sacred and important. You sit in a special urn next to images from your wedding day and of your aunts, my "grandmothers" and my brass baby shoes. It's sad to think that is all that is left of you, but comforting to know you are close to me not just in spirit but in an actual tangible form.

It's been hard not having your near. I can't even tell you how many times I have had questions and wanted to call you, celebrated milestones or even watched shows like 'Say Yes to the Dress' and been angry at the girls fighting with their loved ones over a dress, then I realize that when that day comes for me, I won't have a loved one to fight with. Possibly only friends or Dad. Then I realize that might be a good thing - do you remember all the times I was a bitchy brat about prom dresses? In the end I'd rather have you there to bicker over the way the dress falls on my body than not have you there at all. This is the stuff that I think about, funny huh?

I miss you mom. Every single day. I want you to know that even though I laughed a lot yesterday while I floated down the creek in my kayak with friends and sipped on frozen beverages. I thought of you. I looked up in the sky every so often and thought of you.

I love you and wish I had you near but I know you are safe, free of pain or heartbreak and at peace, at last.

In loving memory of my mother, Marjorie.

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20 comments:

Kathleen said...

Absolutely beautiful. Xoxo

Natalie said...

So beautiful and touching.

Cathy said...

Great, now I'm fighting back tears at work. This was emotional, and honest, and lovely. Thinking of you.

Hutch said...

I think she would be happy to know you were laughing and smiling still, especially on a day of such sadness. Fabulous post, friend!

Amanda @ It's Blogworthy said...

What a beautiful tribute. You're in my thoughts!

PBJdreamer said...

This was beautiful

I love my mom so much and cannot imagine how I would deal with losing her.

thank you


that is all

Brooke said...

What a touching post. I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs to you

Kori said...

Wow this is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss honey. Hugs to you today. Kori xoxo

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tara said...

This is so beautiful and touching! Hugs!

Shana said...

That was so beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of you.

xo

jessalyn said...

this definitely just made me cry. so beautiful.
you are amazing! xo

Shannon said...

Kelly, oh man, that had me welling up. I'm so sorry your mom is no longer with you on this earth. BUt it's obvious just how much you love her and you know, she knows it. I can't even think of this sort of scenario with my own mom or I just breakdown. I'm sorry you actually have to deal with this. Meh.

Aura said...

Thinking about you and sending good vibes your way.
xo

Shandal said...

What a beautiful post. <3

Andi said...

I am so sorry I missed this the first time around. And I'm so sorry that your mom passed, this is a beautiful tribute to her.

SurferWife said...

Kelly! Do you find that writing these kinds of posts are theraputic? I do. That was lovely, Kelly. xoxox

Jessica said...

hugs and kisses, doll. I'm beyond fortunate to still have my mother with me but I have lost someone that was like a parent to me. keep your head up and know she's looking down on you every second of every day. one day you'll meet again :)

xoxo

Mike said...

I Miss your mom, too. She was an awesome lady.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Thank you babe :) ox

400 Wakeups said...

What you have given the world with this post is a gift...the gift of gratitude. Just as it is my hope that women can look across the table at their men and be grateful that they come home each night to them, unharmed, because of 400 Wakeups...you have given me the gift of renewed gratitude for my own mom. We can always take things for granted...what we think will always be there. You are reminding us that that's not always the case. It's a beautiful gift and I thank you a million times over.

And ask your mom to please watch over Shepherd. Apparently, Katie's husband, Marine Chad, might be up there teaching him how to spit like a man. My boy needs some manners, too!

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